Army of Club Penguin

A Post that is One Part Bitterness, Two Parts Exasperation, and 2×10^6 Parts Self-Help

(that’s two billion for those of you who haven’t passed algebra 1. Or is it two million….)

So anyways, I had just typed out this extraordinarily long rant at Carter157 comparing him to a very old friend of mine that most of you know as Seanehawk, and everyone on chat sat back in awed silence in the middle of an event. I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself, having knocked everyone back on their heels with my bold, somewhat untrue statement, when I realized this awed silence was going on for way too long, and I discovered that xat had, in fact, died. And then, I refreshed the page, and it would not let me back in. So, because lord forbid I do my history homework, I had nothing better to do than to write my retirement post.

In my last retirement post (which you can find here by the way) I copied a lot of other people to make it the “BEST RETIREMENT POST EVER.” I forget who I copied. I know I stole Saint’s “Hakuna Matata” but forgot about it until the end. I might’ve taken something from Packer’s, but I don’t remember. Anyway. On to the real post.

I remember forgetting a ton of people last time I wrote one of these things, and I’m not going to include everyone who’s ever helped me along in ACP. This isn’t so much about ACP as it is about me and you and all the individual people in ACP, because when you get right down to it, ranking yourself up in ACP is a social game. I decided not to play the social game when I overreacted at Flipper’s idea of a joke and wasn’t ashamed to call him a prick. He’s held that against me since who knows when, and maybe I should apologize. But I’m not here to apologize. I’m here to leave you all with everything I have and everything I’ve learned and anything I can make up just so I don’t have to do my stupid history paper.

I guess the real reason I’m retiring does stem from calling Flipper a prick all those months ago, because he was unable to forget that and I was unable to forget that he made a prickish joke. But really it all goes back to me not playing the social game, my own arrogance, the way I stormed in as if I owned this chat and everyone on it (including Boomer 20, who, unfortunately, had a psychopathic girlfriend at the time) and I shouldn’t have done that. I was, as Chip “the Colonel” Martin would say, “hot sh*t” back in 2009 and I stormed right into ACP chat in 2011 as if I was still hot sh*t to these people. Ironhide, Carter157, Sliderwhateverthosenumbersare, and dear god above, Jujuflower – they didn’t even know me. All they ever saw of me was this arrogant ho who tramped in like she owned the place, when, in fact, she didn’t. Boomer 20 doesn’t lead this thing anymore. Shaboomboom’s not in power. Dryvit isn’t pretending to like me. I was on my own, and that was something I hadn’t ever truly been in ACP.

I never learned how to be alone, either. I just sucked up to Ken and worked my butt off with my division, Frozen, until I just ran out of steam and Frozen died. Then I got caught up in Freddy, and I did moderately well as ACP’s only female division general (at some points – I don’t remember when Lillie and Bunker retired/moved up). But every time a spot in the leadership opened up, there’d be this little spark of hope in me, and I’d lean way too hard on that little spark of hope, and then the little spark of hope would be extinguished and I’d fall flat on my face. Really, every time I got screwed over, I died a little inside. My pride shrank, my ego died, and my will to keep on going pattered along at a snail pace. That’s what this is, really. When Carter won 3ic, it was just too much. I don’t have the will to do it anymore. Every time I lost out on 3ic, it destroyed me. And like a phoenix, I built myself back up again, but this time I just can’t do it again.

Look, I don’t know why I keep losing. Maybe it’s because Shab intimidates Flen. Maybe it’s because Ken can’t grow a pair and stick up for me. Maybe it’s because I called Flipper a prick all those months ago. Maybe I’m just flat-out not good enough. What does it matter? It hurts anyway.

Not that any of you care about that, hahaha. I guess I just wanted to let everyone know, without making a huge dramatic scene, that I, Fox the Haughty, Fox the Cold, have a heart, and every time I wasn’t good enough, it broke.

When I retired in 2010, I had Shab with me every step of the way, bugging me endearingly all the while. “Is it done yet? Is it out yet? Is it out?” Now, I’m alone. Because I have ruined that friendship with Shab. Freddy’s not home yet. And quite frankly, he’s the only one of y’all that still likes me. I have ruined her. I have ruined Foxtails the Great, and for that, Fox, I am truly sorry. You transformed me into everything I am today, and in return I ruined you. And it’s because I finally realized that that I’m typing these words now, feeling like crap, because I’m finally realizing the extent of what I’m doing. I am giving up on my dream. This is the closest thing I have to a dream, ACP – becoming ACP leader and proving to you all that I am not just some vapid, blond tart. Yes, yes, I do have other, real dreams (my life isn’t that pathetic) but this is the closest, the most achievable, so it’s the one I really had my heart set on.

I have never retired as 3ic or higher. I have always been demoted and pitched a fit, and retired. I have never retired as an owner. And I never will.

I’ve babbled on for a page and a half now, and I sincerely hope you’re all still with me, because this is my last lecture. My last words to you all. I plan on leaving ACP chat quite soon (don’t piss yourself yet, Mikey, I’m keeping you) so these may very well be some of my last words to you guys.

Mikey, if I know you at all, you pissed yourself anyway. Stubborn hobag.

Speaking of Mikey (for those of you who don’t know Freddy’s real name, Mikey is my boyfriend’s alter ego), I was just scanning through my old retirement post. This is how the love of my life decided to bid me goodbye:

“well fox it took you like 6 months to do post it but i dont like commenting on this post :0 i geuss its overdue yet doesnt seem like it.
~freddy”

I love you too….

(psst, you spelled “guess” wrong)

Look, I want this done by tomorrow. January 31^st is a date I can flat-out remember, and since I forgot about September 15^th (the anniversary of my other retirement) I’d best post this on a date I can flat-out remember.

On to my thank-yous….

Tyler Seguin: In my last retirement post, my first words to Boomer were “Of course you are first. You are always first. You are probably not reading this, but if you don’t deserve this spot, nobody does.” However, Boomer and I have had our conflicts over the years, and now with Freddy in the picture – I couldn’t decide who to put first. So I decided neither. Tyler, I love you very much, and a belated happy 20^th birthday, but I have other men to tend to now.

Boomer: Freddy lost a coin flip. Boomer, thank you for everything over the years, thank you for being there when I needed you, even though sometimes we fell apart. I’m sorry I have the inability to like your girlfriends, and I’m sorry I have the inability to allow them to like me, too. I don’t remember what my relationship with Juju was like when you were dating her, but I know I was never fond of Gabby, and I’m sorry for any stress I caused you (though I’m not particularly sorry for disliking either of them. Let’s face it. Juju died and Gabby took a picture of herself, fully clothed, playing with bubbles in the bathtub. They both had some pretty serious problems.) You are the real reason I was where I was in 2009, because we dated and that propelled me to sudden fame. I was respected – Iasgae56, in his retirement post, said I had “charisma” – or at least I thought I was. That was all thanks to you, Boomer. I don’t really know what else to say to you, except thank you and I’m sorry.

Freddy: Freddy, Mikey, Pavel, [secret name no one is allowed to know about] – whatever, I love you. Like with Boomer, I am endlessly thankful and endlessly sorry, because you are my last supporter, and that’s not going to help you. But thank you, because you are my last supporter, and you love me, and that’s all I need right now. You and Boomer brought me back in June – Boomer because I had just gone to Philadelphia and found myself daydreaming about my tour guide being named Eric and us falling madly, passionately in love (his name was Steve and he was in his twenties. FML) and you because I had just totally screwed with book 3 of the HMPWI series – I think it’s called “I’ll Come Up With a Title Later” and I felt the need to explain it to you. Remember, I just randomly switched into Jack and Adrianna’s points of view? And then I randomly went into Anthony.. and Katy.. and someone else. I forget. You have shaped me in ways no one else has managed to do – you just made me an all-around happier person. I look at life differently. I don’t hate kids anymore. That was the main thing I noticed – I love my baby cousin. Pre-Freddy, I hated kids. Then I held my little cousin and she absolutely loved me because I had bigger boobs than her poor skinny mom and I brainwashed her into thinking I was her favorite cousin. And I thought to myself, “Love makes you look at life differently.” It really does. I just find myself appreciating things more. Noticing things I hadn’t noticed before. And of course there is hockey, which you eagerly introduced me to, and I immediately fell in love with the 19-now-20-year-old Bruins right wing, who bears an extraordinary resemblance to my favorite person in the world – you. You know something, though? I don’t love Tyler Seguin. Don’t get me wrong, the kid’s cool. He’s sexy. He’s cool. He can play hockey. But I’m not obsessed with him. I’ve actually been halfway faking it since November. Haha, stop kidding yourself – of course I nearly peed myself with love when he got that hat trick November 5^th. And then we stayed up all night November 11^th into the 12^th – remember? I’ve been telling you I love you for about half a year now, and I’ve meant it all along, but sometimes I wonder if the real moment I fell in love with you was November 11^th when you swore up and down you were fine and refused to let me worry about you and we stayed up all frigging night and you ruined your brother’s life and I broke down in my writing class because goddamnit, I was taking the whole thing harder than you were, because you were okay, and I love you, and you are honestly the strongest person I have ever known. And after I saw that, Tyler Seguin just wasn’t all that special anymore.

And so that’s everything I haven’t had the balls to say to you for the past three months. Yeahh.

LMAO I’ve probably bored all the rest of my audience ahahaha…

I don’t really feel the need to thank anyone else in the extensive way I thanked those two (three if you count Tyler) but I do feel the need to just say a few quick things-

Ken, I really am sorry we haven’t gotten along ever since I let my countless losses go to my head. I know I scapegoated you, but I regret not being able to tell you why, because I don’t know myself. Like my last retirement post, I do need to thank you for when you were a noob and every time I came on chat and you were there, you would always greet me so cheerfully. “Hi Fox! :D” You lit up my dull visits to chat, made me feel unbelievably special. Thank you, Ken. I’m sorry for how I repaid you.

Flipper, I really do think that you, whether on purpose or not, had a bias towards me as a person because of things that went down when I hardly knew you and you hardly knew me. I don’t particularly regret most of my part in that, mostly because of where it led me. Overall I think you’re a great person, very good with the soldiers, but I just can’t let it go, that bias you have. Also, I noticed there’s been a lot going on about “needing more European leaders.” So just a heads up: we don’t.

Klug. Klug, Klug, Klug, Klug. I’m sorry to not give you the long paragraph you deserve. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You are the truest friend I’ve had in a very long time, except Freddy, and he doesn’t count because he is just wildly above you all. You were a very close second, though, Kluggy. You were there for me at times Freddy was, through no fault of his own, unable to be, and when I needed to latch onto someone, you were there. You deserve every good thing there is to be had in life, and I really do hope you are included in wherever my future is taking me.

Fort and Kg- you two are two of my favorite people, always there to talk, always there with advice, always the strand connecting my life and Freddy’s, because you’re two of the very few people that actually talk to both of us, since Freddy refuses to talk to my friends and I haven’t met any of his. Both of you let me know if Freddy confesses any plans for Valentine’s Day, because he’s not allowed to get me anything. Ever. Ever.

Shab—In short, I am mostly just sorry for recently, because I’ve been under a lot of stress and, in my defense, you did go from supporting me adamantly to putting me down very, very quickly, and the transition of hot to cold pissed me off. I scapegoated you, though, the way I scapegoated Ken, because I was, not for the first time, realizing the depth of the grave I was in, but instead, just realizing who had dug it: Me. Not you and not Ken and not Boomer and not Flipper. I, unassisted, took a shovel and dug my own grave. Eight feet deep. Six feet is just to good for me. I think I summed up our relationship, Shab, very well in my thank-you to you in 2010 when I retired: “Shab has been there – both for me and not for me – since day 1. It’s like, in Survivor, you’re down to the final ten or so and there are those few people you’ve known well since day 1. Shab’s one of those people. But Shab’s one of the ones who you can never quite tell if he’s using you. 😆 Sorry. Thank you for trying to get me to see sense when I wasn’t, and thank you for the actual seeing sense that you did when I didn’t. There are moments – a lot of moments – when my hands feel the need to hit something because of you, but if it weren’t for you, I’d probably be dead.”

Buckleybeans- You, much like Shab, showed me the light when I couldn’t find it, though even when you pointed me in the right direction, I sat my ass down and stubbornly refused to move from the darkness into your light. We’ve crashed many a time, and I’m sorry, Buck. I miss you. Like I did for Shab, I want to quote my last thank-you to you: ““The Dude Who Pwns Fox” – I was told this was his name. He knows who he is. Buck, thank you for your companionship (I found a new way to say friendship) and for your endless tolerance of my endless, maybe even four-hour summary of the Sisters Grimm series. Thank you for not being annoyed when I moaned and groaned about Tom Baxter (I HATE YOU TOM!!!). Thank you for succumbing to my iron fists when Cat and Mc stole my cookies and you “offered” to share yours with no bribery or anything (lol why would I bribe anyone? I wouldn’t, duh… lol.. hehe… stop looking at me like that… I’m not a liar D: ). Thank you for including me in your own retirement post (you think.)”

I don’t know who else to thank. I know I’m forgetting people – Pie, for instance. (loveyouPie<33) And a lot of other people, too. But look. I don’t have the energy to make this thing ten pages long. My last retirement post was 9 pages and 5000 words – this is about half that, five pages and almost 3000 words.

Ignore everything I said about today being Tuesday the 31^st – as of right now it is Monday, January 30^th, 2012, and it is 9:27PM, and we may all die this December, and I, Foxtails, am officially retired, for the final time, from the Army of Club Penguin.

Forever yours,

Foxtails

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